In my experience there is often an assumption that poly relationships are started by the male of the family. I believe this to be true especially when involving power dynamic relationships with male dominants so it makes me very happy to be able to add another perspective to our blog.
Deciding to share the why’s of her craving for poly, Alandra gives us a glimpse of how it started and the feelings involved. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.
A lot of people have asked me why I wanted a poly lifestyle, where the desire came from. I don’t know for sure, looking back there are a lot of contributing factors.
I lived with my mom , various aunts, an uncle and my maternal grandparents in their house until I was 3 years old and visited them a lot after that and feel that had a lot of impact on my view of family and how it was to work. My grandmother was very much the homemaker, she was always looking after grandpa, making supper and cookies, always with a clean and ordered house, grandpa had final say in everything. Even if he did change his mind at times after grandma talked to him in private. So me serving our Knight was to me a natural expression of care and love. It came as a surprise to me that other girlfriends did not make plates of food for their boyfriends at parties or go and get them drinks etc. Letting him lead the relationship was normal too.
My first memories are as a young child being raised in a small hamlet, everybody knew everybody. We had a two room school that had 1 teacher and one teacher assistant for grades 1 to 6. So during my young school age years I was raised “by a village”. If you did something wrong it was corrected by which ever “mom” was there. Weekends were when it seemed like the whole town got together for group activities, tobogganing with a huge bonfire in the winter, all gathering at the swimming hole in the summer. I think this in part is where I got the craving of a large family group.
As a teenager I remember reading a book by Robert L Heinlein, “Friday” the heroine is a strong caring women who makes the most of what life has to throw at her while keeping a positive attitude and outlook on her life. And the biggest part that made sense to me was the poly family she was a part of. Every one added what they could to the family and what the family could give was given back as needed to those who needed it. It really resounded with me and I knew that was what I wanted.
It was 10 years into the relationship with our Knight that we started to explore the viability of having what I craved and making it into a reality. As with any relationship, there were some failures in the beginning. A couple of the early relationships were fun and happy but either they or us could not fulfill the majority of the needs of the people in the main relationship. We parted as friends and learned from the experiences. Learning from those relationships what was wanted and needed in the poly relationship was a huge growth within myself.
In the beginning I was not looking for more sexual partners. In my past there is sexual abuse as a child. From that I developed the perception that sex is not love, sex is a physical act that can have aspects of caring and love but is just a physical act. The true heart of the poly family that I craved was not sex but the complete intimacy of being true and honest with oneself and ones partners. I wanted to share family, home and intimacy that lasts beyond the physical.
To me there is no score card, no balance sheet, no equal time. Life, love and family flows where it is needed as it is needed. It does not follow set schedules and equal time, money or touch, it is natural and does not seem special or significant and in some ways this is why I find it so hard to describe how we make it work.