Poly, M/s and Children

This is a writing Kyra made over 7 years ago. I remember reading it more than once over the years and being totally intrigued. Since then I’ve had the chance to meet three of their four children as well as the grandkids.  What an amazing family!

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A topic that people often ask about is living poly and/or M/s while also living with kids. We are a poly M/s family. The three of us live together and we have four children that range in age from 11 – 17. We have lived together since December of 2007 and have been in a relationship since April of 2005 when the kids ages were between 6-12. The youngest two children cannot vividly remember a time that I was not in their life.

His parents know, Alandra’s mom knows and my parents have a really good idea but they have no desire to know the details. For all of them, what is important is that we are happy and the kids are happy. As a family friend, who is a catholic priest, describes our relationship, we are a ‘marriage of three’. That is how we live our life.

We do not hide that the three of us are in a relationship inside our home (outside our home we are more discreet depending on where we are). We do not hide that he is the boss in our relationship. The kids are fully aware that daddy is the ultimate decision maker in the family. They are also aware that Alandra and I need his permission to do certain things.

As an example, she and I are not allowed to have junk food without his permission. When the oldest makes cookies she will ask me if I want her to save me cookie dough so I can ‘ask dad for some’. She will also hear me ask permission for it and the once she didn’t hear me ask permission for a second spoonful and when I went to get it she said “Hey you only asked permission for one spoonful”. I just looked at her with a little grin and stuck the spoon in my mouth. Her comment then was “I guess you asked for a second one”. They all know that he is the boss and that mom and I would not disobey him.

They know that our relationship is different and that others will not have a relationship like ours. They see Alandra and I tie his shoes, put his jacket on, lay out his clothes and we also refer to him as ‘my Lord’ in front of them. They also know that we all sleep in the same bed and they see physical affection that is appropriate between the three of us. We hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle and to them it is normal behavior for their family.

They also know that I am fiercely protective of their mom and will not let them get away with being disrespectful to her. They know that mom and I let dad fight his own battles. They know that when mom and I speak that it is as good as dad telling them to do it. He is the ultimate decision maker and we are his senior officers carrying out his orders.

We have all three gone to parent teacher conferences for the kids. We went for the oldest last year in the 11th grade and her teacher’s comments were “Wow, it is great to see so many people caring about her education”. The teacher didn’t ask any questions about who I was or what I was doing there; she just thought it wonderful that our daughter had three adults caring about her education.

The kids refer to me as “Mom’s friend” at school and they understand that some things are private and for family only. The youngest has had a friend over many times and his comment is “It is so cool that you have two moms”. His parents are split up and he has a single mom. He thought it was awesome that his friend had two moms. At various times all the kids have referred to me as mom, then they kind of laugh or shake their head at themselves and say “I mean Kyra”.

The kids are also aware that in having three adults in the house that they get privileges that they otherwise would not be able to enjoy. Having three incomes in the house greatly increases our ability to do entertaining things like spend two weeks at Disney World, send the oldest two girls to New York on a school trip, put all three girls are in dance, we have several gaming systems, computers, large house, multiple pets, multiple cars…. All things that are not necessities that mine and Alandra’s incomes makes possible and the only debt we have is a mortgage.

Also all three of us are on the title of the house and vehicles. We all share bank accounts, though there are several so that certain funds come out of one and not the other. Our life is extremely integrated together and the kids know this and there is no negative impact on their life. They have sleepover parties, hot tub parties, birthday parties, friends over, boyfriends over and any of the other normal kid stuff.

At one point a boyfriend was over and our daughter was supposed to be doing dishes, but she had her boyfriend doing them. She was standing in the doorway of the kitchen making sure he did it right. As she is standing there she realizes that her shoe is untied and she very casually says “Oh look, my shoe is untied”. Her boyfriend stops washing her dishes, walks over, kneels down and ties her shoes. When he is done, she thanks him and he goes back to washing her dishes. So just because she sees her female parental figure submitting, she knows she can make her own choice for her relationships.

The bonus for the kids is that they have three adults to turn to when they need or want us. Just recently our oldest came to us wanting birth control pills. She had a boyfriend and she wanted to have the option open to have sex with him. Alandra and I spent a lot of time talking with her about the pros and cons of having sex and the comfort level is strong enough that she even talked to her dad about it. We didn’t freak out over her request, but we did make her do research. She was telling a friend about what she asked us and her friends comment was “YOU DID WHAT!! You told your parents!” Then our daughter said, “Yeah, I have to do research about it”. He friend laughed and said “another research project from your parents”.

Apparently we have her research a lot of things from her friend’s perspective. This is the same friend that came and sat with Alandra and me during our daughter’s last birthday party. All the kids were downstairs and her friend would come upstairs to sit and hang out with me and Alandra. She doesn’t have as comfortable of a relationship with her mom and envies our daughter’s relationship with us.

In the end, our daughter broke up with her boyfriend without having sex. It was a rather painful breakup because he lied to her about prior sexual information with regards to her health and she felt betrayed. We were there for her then too; we supported her in her decisions and in grieving over the loss of the relationship.

Honestly, I could go on and on about all these little examples that show how well the three of us fit together and how happy the kids are in an open poly M/s relationship. Alandra and I use hand signals to ask permission to speak with him. They work so well that a few of the kids have picked up the habit as well. They will try to get their dad’s attention verbally and if that doesn’t work, they will use a hand signal and it works really well. They haven’t been told to do this, they just see what works for us and they are learning the most effective way to communicate with their dad as a result.

This is just a small taste of what we as a family are like. The M/s activities and poly life for us is not special or feared in this house. It is a life that we embrace and acknowledge with the children as being different and unique from the norm of society. Of course, what is the norm? We are living our way of life in a manner that is enhancing and growing for all members of our family even though it’s not the way of most.

 

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