We tend to have some pretty good, often in depth, discussions. Nothing is off the table no matter how hard or uncomfortable it might be to bring up or talk about. This is a whole new ball game for me and has already been a struggle a time or two. In every cell of my being though, I know how important it is for us, for the whole.
My past relationships have run the gamut from pretty much not ever discussing anything of importance to picking and choosing what I shared and in effect, heard. I grew up this way. It was all I knew and so I never really thought much of it until I got divorced and realized not everyone shared in this stilted way. I’ve spent every day since that realization working on better communication and active listening skills. It is often a lesson in finding comfort in being uncomfortable.
I am a talker, or maybe I used to be. To me silence was deafening and uncomfortable and so I filled it with words. I’m not sure when I realized what I shared with others through those words was not actually a very good depiction of who I am at my core. It was more like I safely shared a very thin outer layer of myself being sure to give nothing more. I will talk for days about things I enjoy, those I love, positive stories of my family, my pets etc, but I’m not very good at talking about my hopes, fears, dreams, desires or how any of those things make me feel. To be honest, somewhere along the line I stopped thinking much about those things and so when asked, I don’t even really know what the answer is.
Tonight the conversation with our Knight went in a few different directions. Due to my being gone on a camping trip with no cell service at all, much of it was a retouching of bases and sharing about my experience. Some of it was spin-off conversation of sorts coming about due to missing each other.
He understands and is patient with us ladies being of the deep emotion, calm water variety. I guess we act as a balance because he is completely open emotionally to those in his intimate circle. While talking tonight he expressed a desire for us to feel spoiled and then went on to say not in a materialistic way, but emotionally. He wants for us to be emotionally spoiled.
His words hit me square in the chest. What an amazing concept, really. So many people use the word love willy nilly. I know he means it when he says it and even more so, I feel it in every direction, in every look, tone of voice, genuine declaration of feeling and for me personally, in his consistent leadership. I feel it when asked a well thought out question and in the retelling of stories important to his heart. I feel it not only in his touch, but even more so in the time spent. I know he loves me, but I also know what it is like to hang on to the word because the actions prove otherwise. Sometimes it is hard to forget the pain of those experiences and trust.
And that to me is why the term emotionally spoiled melted into me. I don’t want stuff. I have stuff and can get more on my own. I don’t have a need for flowery words with no feeling behind them when spoken or easily forgotten. I have no desire for the touch of hands only searching for the physical outlet. I need an exchange of energy, an emotional connection. I never in a million years would have come up with the term emotionally spoiled. I never would have thought it possible to feel such a thing, but I do and while it is sometimes hard to hear these things about myself, it is wonderful too!
I hope one day to be able to more easily share in the way our Knight does because if there is one thing I would love to be able to give in return it would be that he also feels emotionally spoiled. Being part of this family brings about a great desire to be a better me.